Our TTC journey has led us to finally receiving an actual visits from aunt flow, and a positive OPK. All good things or so I would think. However, I'm left a bit down trodden after what I thought was going to be an uplifting visit to my mid-wife the last week of January 2011. Instead, it felt cold and almost shameful. I came in smiling and was introduced to the nurse in training. After saying hello. I turned toward my midwife and said that I was proud to announce that I had finally had my period. My mid-wife seemingly dumbfounded as to why I was even there, was not impressed and it felt as though she was disinterested in anything I had to say. :( She first seemed to have my info wrong on her computer and came across angry that I didn't know how certain things worked. For example: My last visit I had thought since she was talking about my body (esp how little lining I had at the time) while I was in the stirrups being examined that these were findings of the moment. Not from an ultra sound over a week before. She seemed to be put off about my misunderstanding. Honestly, how was I supposed to know. I have not had the training and I only know what the Dr's tell me or what I have read online! She seemed to think I was taking to much time to get pregnant. In my head I hadn't. I mean yes it was an probably still be a long and arduous task dealing with my anorexia. But, I was proud I mean I worked and fought hard and finally got my visit Dec 2010 and had another one Jan 2011 and I even started to chart. At first she scolded me for not getting my husbands sperm tested. OK, yes we will do that. And gave me grief about the insurance not covering fertility.(the only thing she seemed to really remember) She said that if our insurance wouldn't pay and we couldn't afford to pay then there is nothing she can do. Payment plans are not an option and her hands are tied at running any test. So, I need to decided if I can afford a child. I felt about as big as a ant and I was just about to be squished. When I went to leave she said have sex and if your not pregnant by April then make an appointment with her and she'll look at my chart to make sure I'm ovulating or having sex at the right time .
Here I was almost 30 with a husband who has to work two full-time jobs and me a cashier at the local grocery store making min wage at no more then 10 hrs a week and barely the day before notice of my next schedule. My husband and I do without most things, we have never even had cable, we are quite thrifty. We do without a lot and pay our bills.
We've wanted a family for soo long. We said we'd wait till we were more financially stable. Well, that got trying and we finally came to the conclusion that day may not come or we may be too old! And I'm a basically told that if I don't conceive on my own in the next month or so something is wrong and I can't have a baby!
Then this month I get a smiley face on my opk (ovulation predictor kit). I squeal with delight and show my hubby who replies "See. you Do work!" I laugh and tell him I think it was cause I was holding my newborn nephew yesterday (Super Bowl Sunday) His sister and her husband had just gave birth to twins. I'm very happy for them but can't help feeling guilty about wanting our own soo bad. When she was preg. I found it pretty painful to be around her especially when I wasn't getting my period. Anyway, we had been B'ding (baby dancing) and continued and even did so the following day. I have been seeming to get all these weird things happening like first my nipples hurt like heck, back pain, bloated, emotional and crying for no reason, I get bouts a nausea that come and go, my sense of smell and taste is crazy (I have even smelled chocolate milk on my hubby's breath and I can't stand spicy foods right now that never bothered me before) A stranger's cat even came up to me and was rubbing and purring to there owner's surprise who said "Whoa, that's unusual she's never friendly with strangers!" (I don't know if that's anything but it's just one of the weird things that have been happening) I'm now 14 dpo and I woke up around 5 cause I had to go to the bathroom and then went back to bed and woke up at 7:20 and got a temp of 96.58 dip below my cover line of 97.28. My cycle appears to be 37 days. Today would be day 35. *Turns out my cycle was 34 days this time as AF decided to pay a visit. So, I'm guessing most of those symptoms are over analyzing or my mind is playing tricks on me or maybe my hormones are out of whack.
Last night, my mother-in-law brought up about getting a family photo this weekend of the 5 generations of mothers and how the church was all a buzz about the twins. I just want to curl up and cry.
I'll wrap this up by saying the basically I'm really feeling dis-heartened at this point. I always thought I'd have a child by the time I'm 30 and now I'm right there March 28th. Everyone in my family has children. Everyone all my cousins have children and that's the one thing I always wanted.
Every one says "It'll happen don't think about it" Right, that's like saying just ignore the 30 ft pink elephant in the room! It's hard not to want to ask or cry out "When is it our turn?"
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What's wrong with me? Is the midwife right ? Am I crazy? I feel soo horrible about wanting a child while I have new twin niece and nephew.
My apologises for the the length and the whinnies.
Wishes from Wonderland
~Alice
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