Feeling Emotional Warning: Extreamly personal whiny vent TMI

It's a very trying time for me right now. I feel like my nerves are just gonna blow! I wanna cry, scream, and sleep.

 Our TTC journey has led us to finally receiving an actual visits from aunt flow, and a positive OPK. All good things or so I would think. However, I'm left a bit down trodden after what I thought was going to be an uplifting visit to my mid-wife the last week of January 2011. Instead, it felt cold and almost shameful. I came in smiling and was introduced to the nurse in training. After saying hello. I turned toward my midwife and said that I was proud to announce that I had finally had my period.  My mid-wife  seemingly dumbfounded as to why I was even there, was not impressed and it  felt as though she was disinterested in anything I had to say. :(   She first seemed to have my info wrong on her computer and came across angry that I didn't know how certain things worked. For example: My last visit I had thought since she was talking about my body (esp how little lining I had at the time) while I was in the stirrups being examined that these were findings of the moment. Not from an ultra sound over a week before.  She seemed to be put off about my misunderstanding. Honestly, how was I supposed to know. I have not had the training and I only know what the Dr's tell me or what I have read online! She seemed to think I was taking to much time to get pregnant. In my head I hadn't. I mean yes it was an probably still be a  long and arduous task dealing with my anorexia. But, I was proud I mean I worked and fought hard and finally got my visit Dec 2010 and had another one Jan 2011 and I even started to chart. At first she scolded me for not getting my husbands sperm tested. OK, yes we will do that. And gave me grief about the insurance not covering fertility.(the only thing she seemed to really remember)  She said that if our insurance wouldn't pay and we couldn't afford to pay then there is nothing she can do. Payment plans are not an option and her hands are tied at running any test. So, I need to decided if I can afford a child. I felt about as big as a ant and I was just about to be squished. When I went to leave she said have sex and if your not pregnant by April then make an appointment with her and she'll look at my chart to make sure I'm ovulating or having sex at the right time .
      Here I was almost 30 with a husband who has to work two full-time jobs and me a cashier at the local grocery store making min wage at no more then 10 hrs a week and barely the day before notice of my next schedule. My husband and I do without most things, we have never even had cable, we are quite thrifty. We do without a lot and pay our bills.
  We've wanted a family for soo long. We said we'd wait till we were more financially stable. Well, that got trying and we finally came to the conclusion that day may not come or we may be too old! And I'm a basically told that if I don't conceive on my own in the next month or so something is wrong and I can't have a baby!
        Then this month I get a smiley face on my opk (ovulation predictor kit). I squeal with delight and show my hubby who replies "See. you Do work!" I laugh and tell him I think it was cause I was holding my newborn nephew yesterday (Super Bowl Sunday) His sister and her husband had just gave birth to twins. I'm very happy for them but can't help feeling guilty about wanting our own soo bad. When she was preg. I found it pretty painful to be around her especially when I wasn't getting my period. Anyway, we had been B'ding (baby dancing) and continued and even did so the following day. I have been seeming to get all these weird things happening like first my nipples hurt like heck, back pain, bloated, emotional and crying for no reason, I get bouts a nausea that come and go, my sense of smell and taste is crazy (I have even smelled chocolate milk on my hubby's breath and I can't stand spicy foods right now that never bothered me before)  A stranger's cat even came up to me and was rubbing and purring to there owner's surprise who said "Whoa, that's unusual she's never friendly with strangers!" (I don't know if that's anything but it's just one of the weird things that have been happening) I'm now 14 dpo and I woke up around 5 cause I had to go to the bathroom and then went back to bed and woke up at 7:20 and got a temp of 96.58 dip below my cover line of 97.28. My cycle appears to be 37 days. Today would be day 35.  *Turns out my cycle was 34 days this time as AF decided to pay a visit. So, I'm guessing most of those symptoms are over analyzing or my mind is playing tricks on me or maybe my hormones are out of whack.
Last night, my mother-in-law brought up about getting a family photo this weekend of  the 5 generations of mothers and how the church was all a buzz about the twins. I just want to curl up and cry.

I'll wrap this up by saying the basically I'm really feeling dis-heartened at this point. I always thought I'd have a child by the time I'm 30 and now I'm right there March 28th. Everyone in my family has children.  Everyone all my cousins have children and that's the one thing I always wanted.

Every one says "It'll happen don't think about it" Right, that's like saying just ignore the 30 ft pink elephant in the room! It's hard not to want to ask or cry out "When is it our turn?"

ebay

What's wrong with me? Is the midwife right ? Am I crazy? I feel soo horrible about wanting a child while I have new twin niece and nephew.

My apologises for the the length and the whinnies.

                      Wishes from Wonderland

                                                        ~Alice                         

Monday's Mood : Mocha

  For Monday's Mood I'm choosing Mocha. Pretty much because the only coffee I've been drinking has been decaf. I'm missing the chocolate and oooh caramel or maybe peanut butter and now I'm thinking of ice cream. Figures!

 Warning: Personal Post

The past week has been rough. Travel on the road for answers has been very bumpy since I found out our insurance doesn't cover fertility. I've googled myself out! I've since seen my Dr.  I was dreading the scale. I know I've gained weight and this has been extremely hard for me to watch the scale climb higher. (I started to remove my shoes when I was starting to loose weight. It's become a habit now) But there I was again watching it climb and hit 111 lbs. I squeezed my eyes tight and shook my head. Thankfully, I was quickly interrupted by the nurse who sent me to the last room so she could take my temp etc. Then came in Dr. F  who I explained my plight to. He told me that my left ovary (the one the hurts) is a bit larger then the right. He doubts it's  PCOS since it's usually the case with over weight womenn.  He immediately put a call into the fertility center to find out what we can do. I could hear the message on the speaker. "We are in a lunch meeting" it touted. He left a message for them to call him and even gave his cell number. He promised he'd call me as soon as her heard back. He examined me and attempted to reassure me. When I got home I heated up my cup of decaf, climbed the stairs and sat my phone next to me on the bed. Turned on the monitor and waited for it to boot up. I was nodding off in front of the screen (did I mentioned I haven't been able to sleep either) and BUzzz my phone went off.  It was a number I didn't recognise. "Hello?" I stuttered.  On came a familar friendly voice. It was  Dr. F he had told me " I think I have great news for you!" apparently he had discussed my situation with a nurse at the center. " She mentioned some anorexic patients don't get their period back for years until they achieve their ideal weight." Years! I thought. "I told her great! My  patients will love being told to eat!" "Yeah, I started to joke all except the anorexic ones" meaning me. " I'm gonna say make your goal 125-130. If you get your period before 125 give me a call." I grabbed a pen and my trusty note pad and wrote "125-130- Ideal" down. I took a deep breath. "Hoo boy, here we go" I thought. Then he suggested I meet with his wife who worked with woman on a diet plan. She could tell me what foods to eat and what not to eat. "I would love that." I said. So tomorrow at 10 am sharp I'm meeting with her. I'm hoping this really helps. 

   Cut to:  Sunday Oct 17th. Hubs and I are wrapping  his sister C's baby shower gift. (Oh, did I mention her shower was Sunday and here I am a wreck! Still, I was determined to make an appearance. I wanted C to know that I loved her and was happy for her and her husband.) I was doing fine until I got to the onesies. I must have folded them six times trying to get them just wright and wrapped in the tissue paper. They were so perfectly soft a green one for the boy with "What does the cow say?" written on the front. On the back was the answer "Moo Moo" in a little cloud. The Pink one for the girl "What does the cat say?" " Purr Purr" on the back. I manged to wrap both little monkey suits and the hats but once I got to the onsies I started to shake. I could tell Nick noticed this since he scooted across the floor to take the little clothes from me and hold me. I curled up on his lap and cried into his shoulder. 

 When we arrived at C and T's house. The party was in full swing. Their house is quite cute. We made our way past the monkey face cupcake and  the pink and blue decorations on our way into the living room. It was gift opening time and there was C sitting there with her  bump. I wanted to hand her the gift and give her a hug but I couldn't seem to find a path through all the sea chairs and cameras. I decided it best to stay back and not draw any attention. I handed our bag to be passed up to her and waited for her to get to open it. I leaned my head on Nick's shoulder and he kissed it gently to comfort me. C opened what seemed bag after endless bag of clothes, stuffed animals, baby gear etc.. Then she was handed ours. "Phew" I thought. Somehow, I wanted to see her reaction to our gift esp. those onsies. I don't remember how but when dinner was announced I made my way thrugh the crowd and hugs C. "We have to go I said just wanted to give you a hug and tell you we love you" she thanked me and said she was glad I showed up.   Nick and I left and made our way out past the crowd in the kitchen. As we started to walk away my limbs where feeling heavy and I about collapsed into Nick sobbing. When we got into the car I said " I wanna just go home." But we couldn't go home. We had a ton of junk in mom and dad's garage and it really needed to be relocated to the apartment.  We loaded up the van and headed to our apartment. Nick unloaded most while I cleared out under the stairs. Then we took the last two trips together. After  we got home after dropping off the van I started to cry. Nick looked down and found me having opened a little silver box. In this box was a little winter outfit I picked up years ago. It was old fashioned and had a knitted bonnet and two pairs of socks. " I bbbought this when ..." I started to stutter. Nick softly simply said " I know" He walked me over to the couch and we sat down. I leaned into him and he put his arm around me then stroked my face as the tears streamed down. " I love you" he said then he kissed me on the forehead. 

 I'm starting to shake again. I was relocating our "children's library" to the office today and shelve all those wonderful books. I've had a bowl of cheerios a few apple slices and an individual bag of orveils light kettle corn (my newest addiction).  At first I didn't like it but now I find I actually do. Sometimes with me I've found that I program myself that I won't like something so I don't eat it. Tonight Nick will be "surprising" me with dinner.
(Surprising is when I don't know what it will be so I can't doubt my decision and change my mind umpteen times. I have a hard time with this thanks to the mess I got myself into last year when I started counting calories. I tend to deny what I want or put it off till It's too late to get it)  Nick's wonderful idea of "surprising" me allows me some freedom in away. I can't explain it but for me it's a comforting thing. I can't wait to hug him when he gets home.  So, I'm headed down stairs to put in the final disc of season 1 Ghost Whisper and wait for his call.


                                            Wishes from Wonderland
                                           ~ Alice

Celebration Saturday seems like Sad Saturday

 Warning: This post is very personal. It contains my mind's trappings and long incoherent ramblings!

              Today, we were supposed to go with my husband's family to Knobels for some good old fashioned fun. One of the reasons that didn't pan out is because I have Nick my sweet snoring husband SOTC (sick on the couch). Poor, guy.

Another, is I haven't been feeling so good myself. A tickle in my throat that started the other night (I heart ricola honey lemon), and the strange pain in my lower abdomen that began a few weeks back. Since the through ultra sound in which they got to get up close and personal with  the lightsaber errr... I mean probe showed everything to be fine.( It's clearly not since sometimes this pain lands  me on my knees.)  I now have a appointment on the 23rd with  GI Joe (Gastrointestinal specialist).  Which, coincidentally is when my father is having surgery to remove his gull bladder. It's not the removal of his gull bladder that upsets me. It's what they might find. See, my dad needs a kidney and if they find any form of cancer in his gull bladder he will not be permitted to have one. He's my hero and an amazing man. I pray everything goes well. I'm also awaiting a very important call. Looks like I'll be calling them Monday as suggested by my midwife.

Hmm is this  getting extremely jumbled and confusing you?
Allow me to try and bring you up to speed. Nick and I are decided to have a baby. However, we have run into an issue. Due to the fact that I have had no cycle for almost a year now and that I went into an anorexic spin after experiencing a tragic event (it was horrible, and left me feeling like I had no control that's all you need to know.) I'm told that the lack of fat may play into the fact that I'm not ovulating but it has nothing to do with what I eat. My lowest weight was 93-94 lbs. I was weighed the other week and came in at around 104 now. (The all ice cream lunch and fast food dinner my family Dr prescribed wasn't really building till I added in the cheerios and apple snack. Go figure?) My father's condition combined with the waiting for a call (all week) from the Fertility Specialist's Center has left my mascara running. I can't seem to stop crying. I know I should be happy that I'm being referred but it still hurts and everywhere I look I see children and babies and families. *Sigh* It's frustrating when you see family all around and pregnant women who weren't even trying to get pregnant. Even, Nick's sister C is pregnant with twins. Don't get me wrong, I love her and very happy for her. I wish only the best for her family of little monkeys (monkeys is what she calls them).

      So, my vision is obstructed by bellies and babies. It would seem that even the pee stick (Ovulation test) has taken to mocking me. I've waited soo long for the smiley face to greet me only to see the dreaded goose egg.  I had completed a round of Provera about a week or so ago. This was prescribed it to kick start my cycle. However, nothing is happening. Felicia, my midwife has explained that my lining is too thin and there is no sign of it building. In other words it's not making a nest. So I have an empty nest syndrome of sorts? yes, I'm aware of my badly placed humor (hey, it's how I deal).

The next day I told a coworker about my news.  She kept asking me about my kids so I explained my situation. The she said and I quote "don't feel bad that you can't have children. I wish I would have thought more about having them. They grow up and rebel. And I feel sorry for all the babies in this world it's horrible! Just get a pet. They'll love you no matter what."
What??? Yeah, we'll get a puppy and then we won't want children anymore! Pfft! You got to be kidding me with this.

On top of this everyone keeps asking if I'm Pregnant.
I like my job I have no problem with being a cashier. I take pride in my work. I'm a friendly person. I genuine and care for people. Sure, it's often crazy there, the hours are horrible and you find out your schedule last minute. Yes, the encounters can be nerve racking but I keep it all in perspective and I'm overall very positive about it. I smile and see who smiles back. I do my best to be through,quick, and efficient. And I'm told I'm good at it. However, when you work at the G-store you see a lot of families,children,babies,belly's and baby food etc... *sigh* esp. when the people have no idea just how blessed they are.
 
  Feeling Bluer then Blue and craving Ice Cream like mad or maybe just a really good thick strawberry or chocolate shake (yeah, I know it's still ice cream. I'm not sure if my craving is cause it's part of my diet or the sadness or what) Any recommendations for one? Denny's, Hardee's,Chik fil A? Please let me know if you do since I seriously, want a tasty one.

 OK, well that wraps up my pitiful pearl post. Sorry!
                                                       

                                                          Wishes from Wonderland

       ~ Alice