Today, we were supposed to go with my husband's family to Knobels for some good old fashioned fun. One of the reasons that didn't pan out is because I have Nick my sweet snoring husband SOTC (sick on the couch). Poor, guy.
Another, is I haven't been feeling so good myself. A tickle in my throat that started the other night (I heart ricola honey lemon), and the strange pain in my lower abdomen that began a few weeks back. Since the through ultra sound in which they got to get up close and personal with the lightsaber errr... I mean probe showed everything to be fine.( It's clearly not since sometimes this pain lands me on my knees.) I now have a appointment on the 23rd with GI Joe (Gastrointestinal specialist). Which, coincidentally is when my father is having surgery to remove his gull bladder. It's not the removal of his gull bladder that upsets me. It's what they might find. See, my dad needs a kidney and if they find any form of cancer in his gull bladder he will not be permitted to have one. He's my hero and an amazing man. I pray everything goes well. I'm also awaiting a very important call. Looks like I'll be calling them Monday as suggested by my midwife.
Hmm is this getting extremely jumbled and confusing you?
Allow me to try and bring you up to speed. Nick and I are decided to have a baby. However, we have run into an issue. Due to the fact that I have had no cycle for almost a year now and that I went into an anorexic spin after experiencing a tragic event (it was horrible, and left me feeling like I had no control that's all you need to know.) I'm told that the lack of fat may play into the fact that I'm not ovulating but it has nothing to do with what I eat. My lowest weight was 93-94 lbs. I was weighed the other week and came in at around 104 now. (The all ice cream lunch and fast food dinner my family Dr prescribed wasn't really building till I added in the cheerios and apple snack. Go figure?) My father's condition combined with the waiting for a call (all week) from the Fertility Specialist's Center has left my mascara running. I can't seem to stop crying. I know I should be happy that I'm being referred but it still hurts and everywhere I look I see children and babies and families. *Sigh* It's frustrating when you see family all around and pregnant women who weren't even trying to get pregnant. Even, Nick's sister C is pregnant with twins. Don't get me wrong, I love her and very happy for her. I wish only the best for her family of little monkeys (monkeys is what she calls them).
So, my vision is obstructed by bellies and babies. It would seem that even the pee stick (Ovulation test) has taken to mocking me. I've waited soo long for the smiley face to greet me only to see the dreaded goose egg. I had completed a round of Provera about a week or so ago. This was prescribed it to kick start my cycle. However, nothing is happening. Felicia, my midwife has explained that my lining is too thin and there is no sign of it building. In other words it's not making a nest. So I have an empty nest syndrome of sorts? yes, I'm aware of my badly placed humor (hey, it's how I deal).
The next day I told a coworker about my news. She kept asking me about my kids so I explained my situation. The she said and I quote "don't feel bad that you can't have children. I wish I would have thought more about having them. They grow up and rebel. And I feel sorry for all the babies in this world it's horrible! Just get a pet. They'll love you no matter what."
What??? Yeah, we'll get a puppy and then we won't want children anymore! Pfft! You got to be kidding me with this.
On top of this everyone keeps asking if I'm Pregnant.
I like my job I have no problem with being a cashier. I take pride in my work. I'm a friendly person. I genuine and care for people. Sure, it's often crazy there, the hours are horrible and you find out your schedule last minute. Yes, the encounters can be nerve racking but I keep it all in perspective and I'm overall very positive about it. I smile and see who smiles back. I do my best to be through,quick, and efficient. And I'm told I'm good at it. However, when you work at the G-store you see a lot of families,children,babies,belly's and baby food etc... *sigh* esp. when the people have no idea just how blessed they are.
Feeling Bluer then Blue and craving Ice Cream like mad or maybe just a really good thick strawberry or chocolate shake (yeah, I know it's still ice cream. I'm not sure if my craving is cause it's part of my diet or the sadness or what) Any recommendations for one? Denny's, Hardee's,Chik fil A? Please let me know if you do since I seriously, want a tasty one.
OK, well that wraps up my pitiful pearl post. Sorry!
Wishes from Wonderland
~ Alice
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